Disordered
by pathological
Summary: Dean wants to go running. He promised Sam that he wouldn't. MAJOR CHARACTER DEATHS. MORE WARNINGS INSIDE.


Uh

I wrote this a long time ago. I was really depressed and I think I was drunk and this was the result.

**Disclaimer**: If I owned then they wouldn't have died.

**Warnings**: self-harm, suicide, eating disorders,major character deaths.

Dean and Sam arrive at the school. New school, new year, new life. At least that's how their dad, sad sad dad, puts it.

Dean isn't so sure. But Sam wants to believe, so Dean tries, for Sam. He really, really does.

He promised Sam he would.

Dean walks in on Angel, even though that is not what his name is, Dean wants it to be at that moment. At that moment his name is Angel. Dean thinks he looks like an angel.

Even if he is leaning over the toilet bowl, fingers clenching both sides, retching, t-shirt baggy and showing off the bumps in his spine.

_One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six..._

Angel turns and stares with blue eyes tinged with red. Dean can't finish counting the bumps in his spine. He wants to cry.

Instead he smirks and leaves, needing to find the privacy of the dorm he shares with Sam.

He promised Sam.

He sees Angel again, this time in the gym, on a running machine. Angel is near the window. Running.

Dean can't go in. He promised Sam.

He walks right past, counting steps, counting breaths.

_One step, one breath. _

_Two steps, two breaths. _

_Three steps, three breaths. _

_Four steps, four breaths. _

_Five steps, five breaths. _

Until he is away from that place.

Dean nearly hits Angel with his car.

Angel- Dean needs to learn his name, really- runs out in front, and Sam yells. Dean screeches on the breaks, and jumps out.

Skinny little body, lying, shaking, on the ground. Bright blue eyes. No tears.

I'm Dean, and this is my brother, Sam.

He's Castiel. He has lots of siblings back home.

Dean wants to go running with Castiel. Castiel, the angel, he invites him running. Dean says yes, nearly, it's on the tip of his tongue.

He sees Sams expression.

I can't. I'm sorry. I promised Sam.

Dean promised Sam. Sam Sam Sammy Sam Sam. Dean would do anything for Sam, die, starve.

Sam has to pick the thing dean hates the most.

The hardest thing.

Eat, Dean. Eat, eat, keep it down. Weighing scales, every week, a schedule, like Dean likes.

Dean is recovering.

Long days are spent, around the home they grew up in, eating dinner, dad scoffing his food, Sam eating at a steady pace, glances at Deans plate every few seconds. Dean eats his quarter pie slowly, as of the calories can be stretched. Castiel picks at his salad, eating one or two mouthfuls.

The bathroom is locked for an hour straight after dinner.

Angel- Castiel- he is in one of Deans classes. Dean can't remember which one. Top busy stating at the collarbones, jawbone, bump bump bump on Castiel's back.

Adding the calories of the upcoming lunch. Heart rate increasing.

He could eat less than Sam said.

_Thump. Thump._

He could throw the food up, not listen to Sam.

_Thump thump. Thump thump. _

He could not eat at all, read a book, hide from Sam.

_Thumpthump. Thumpthump. _

He could not eat at all, go for a run with Castiel.

_Thumpthumpthumpthumpthump. Thumpthumpthumpthumpthump. _

Dean goes for a run.

He gets back to the motel, to Sam.

Something is wrong with Sam.

Sam's not waking up, Sam's lying still, breathing lightly. Too lightly. Lighter than Dean. Lighter than Castiel.

Sam's sleeve is soaked. Soaked with red.

It's blood.

Dean passes out. Castiel finds them.

Dean knew, of course. He knows everything about Sam.

Sam self-harmed for years, since Dean got sick. One day it just got too bad.

So did Dean.

They both relapsed.

Recovery is hard.

It's all Deans fault.

Castiel doesn't make it. He has a heart attack whilst running, and dies in the hospital bed, Dean holding his hands. No tears. Just a whisper of I love you, as quiet as his final breath.

Deans stomach ruptures and he bleeds out. He doesn't recover, years of purging ensuring that he couldn't hold food down without choking it back up again. He goes on the bathroom floor, screaming for Sam through the pain, counting the cracks in the ceiling. He reaches the end.

Sam kills himself. A bottle of booze, bottles of pills, and he dies, crying, feeling failed as a friend in Castiel, and as a brother in Dean. Sam never makes it to he hospital bed. He does in the ambulance, the caress of a ghost as Dean holds his hand, waiting for Sam to come through to their side.

The machine flatlines.

None of them die at the same place, or at the same time. Life is sad like that

Sam and Deans father smiles up at the sky, knowing that his sons- and Castiel, are up there. They can all be perfect together up there.

John promises Castiel, Deans angel, that he will take care of his siblings for him.

They're family now, all of them, including the three in heaven.

He walks away from the three headstones, smiling.


End file.
